Article From August

Life Through My Eyes
by Ava Jackson

I was born in San Francisco, California on a military base to a Black father and a Korean mother. I also have a younger brother. My father had met my mother in Seoul, Korea. A couple years later, I was born. My mother left the three of us a year or two after my brother was born. The three of us relocated to Pasadena, Maryland. My dad continued to keep us involved in our Korean culture. He took us to Korean markets, we ate Korean food, and we had Korean decorations in our house. We followed the cultural norms such as taking our shoes off at the door, sleeping on the floor instead of our beds, wearing the Korean costumes, and squatting instead of sitting.

Growing up half-Korean was not easy for me at all. I attended a Pentecostal/Apostolic church and school in Arnold, Maryland . I was discriminated by the kids in my grade and age group for looking different. I had tan skin and slanted eyes. It was as early as kindergarten when this happened. The kids were either White or Black. I was so ashamed of being half-Korean especially when these kids were around. I missed my mother so much, but because of the way people acted towards me I was sort of relieved she wasn't around.

My younger brother had it much easier. All of the girls liked him and he was friends with everyone. I tried to be friends with the kids who were the same age as me, but it just didn't work out that well. I ended up connecting really well with kids who were my brother's age because they were friendlier.

As I got older, things loosened up a bit. When I was in high school a group of guys called me a horrible name that made me cry. I was called a "Vietnamese pot bellied pig." I was 30-40 lbs overweight and I did not have a pot belly. It hurt my feelings. I told a teacher about the incident but the boys got off very easy. A teacher took one of the boys aside and told the boy I was wrong for crying about it and I shouldn't have been upset over it. I saw this Christian teacher give me a look as if I should have kept my mouth shut! The insult floated around about me for awhile. In a youth meeting, people were still talking about the incident so I decided to stand up for myself. The next day in school, I said something to the boy that embarrassed him. I didn't deserve this because I kept to myself and I didn't talk about people in this manner. I knew what it was like to be judged and considered an outsider based on looks.

I remember I was given the horrible stereotypes of an Asian person. This irritates me to no end. Not too many Asian people went to church at the time, so the pastor decided to say that people who normally eat spicy foods (and he specifically mentioned Asian people), were more promiscuous. Another time when someone was praying with me, I was told my inner spirit should be quiet like an Asian person. I really didn't understand this but looking back, maybe this person thought that all Asian people are submissive. From what I see, Asian people are pretty direct and blunt and I appreciate that more than someone standing there taking crap from other people.

I finally got out of that church and went to a public school. It was such a relief and very eye opening. I got to be around other cultures and people accepted me for who I was. I did notice I got a lot of stares from other kids in class. I was asked constantly what my nationality was and that question has never bothered me. During this time I still remember not liking who I was because I was half-Asian. I knew I looked different.

This is changed three years ago when I started playing Final Fantasy XI on-line. I was talking with other players who were full-Asian and they said half-Asians are beautiful. I never knew this growing up, and this is when I started to stop hating the Asian part of me.

Sometimes I do notice the stares of people and I wonder why. My husband tells me that people are just trying to figure out what I am. It happens everywhere we go. Some people stop me and ask what I am while others tell me I'm beautiful.

Looking back, I wish I didn't take things so personally and would have ignored a lot of the things that were said about me or my culture. I think the people I grew up around were extremely closed-minded and didn't know a lot about the world. I am very proud of my Asian background. Sometimes, it can be painful to explore because it reminds me of the mother I loved so much and may never see again, but I will make sure that when I have kids that they embrace that part of themselves.