Untitled
by Liz Ogren

An icy wind blows across the desolate tundra stealing up snow as yet another weapon against me. Sleet stings my eyes and they weakly tear up blurring vision immensely; not that there is much to see here besides a distant horizon separating two shades of grey. I can’t really remember the last time I felt my toes... Or my fingers... Or my nose... Come to think of it, everything has been numb for the longest time. Peering fiercely ahead I whispered hoarsely to myself, “How did I even get here...” My words went unheard by even myself with the howling gusts whipping at my face. “I can... remember... my car...” Pausing for a moment to remember... something. But like waking from a dream, it was nearly impossible to recall anything as if all previous events of the hours before had been blown away with the traveling snows. Squinting with my pale hands cupped over my eyes, I came to the conclusion I have never seen this hellish place before in all my days. Desire to allow my body to crumple into a heap on the frozen ground was powerful. But it wasn’t too difficult to realize if that happened, I would never get back up. “Ahem.” A voice interrupts the steady sound of crying winds. With a frigid tone enough to send chills up my body, which considering the circumstances, seemed nearly impossible to do. Turning, I let out a short gasp when coming face to face with my own reflection checking her.. Or my watch rather, impatiently and tapping her foot. She looks up at me with a hard stare and stone grey eyes, smiling wickedly.

Vincent began zoning off again, his face grew placid. The only hint of human emotions were the unbearable sadness from his eyes creating an entire aura of depression around him. It could be described as ‘seeing the world through rose colored glasses.” Only, maybe Emo colored glasses, if only Emo became a standard color accepted at Crayola. The street lights loomed, passed, and were gone out of sight but replaced quickly with more, just as stiff and uncompassionate as the last. The setting sun burned catching the sky on fire and covering it in a various rainbow of blisters. Obviously in no hurry to return to an empty home he bumbled along, and anxious cars sped by Vincent wildly on each side. These last few months... The days have been just as blurry and insignificant as these cars. Then gone. Everything. Absolutely everything disappears from you eventually... Such as these strangers going to wherever. I could care less... And after this moment, I shall never think of these people again for as long as I live. But... when those really important things disappear. When your prized possession disappears from your sight... I guess we all just assume it will come back to you. Like it always has. It is a given, right? And... when they don’t. Then what? When you were a child, Daddy and Mommy would leave you to go to work. Well, what if one day after so many years of faithful returning... they don’t? What if when you ground your child for disobeying, and walk into their room to find the window open and them missing. Then what? Utter misery. The very thought of your treasured loss plagues the mind at all hours of the day, and you wish to forget. And just go back to everyday life without the hurt of knowing what you once had.... You pray it is a nightmare you’ll soon wake from. Even when you realize there isn’t a chance in the world to ever see that smile again, you hope against all odds, you still believe when you walk through that front door, she will spin around and beam because you’re finally home.

Ogling at the familiar face that for my whole life I believed to be mine and mine alone, the contradiction stood just a few feet away and my jaw grew slack. I must have been looking quite comical as my newly discovered twin I never knew was lost threw her head back and let out a shrill laugh that wasn’t mine at all. The sky opened up and Northern lights came into view, pouring down from the Heavens like a Summer shower of muddled rainbow colors. Approaching with arms folded across her chest I could see more clearly. Her hair was extremely curly, almost like a brunette headed Shirley Temple, and she wore small silver glasses that gleamed, though there was not very much light at all. She was wearing a pencil skirt and a thick tan sweater and black pumps; as I looked back up to her face, I could see she was studying me as well. She was all dressed up as if expecting a special occasion. Glancing down I gritted my teeth; I was in nothing but a thin cotton Johnny with small cheap looking flowers scattered across the worn fabrics as if the wind had touched them too. No wonder I was freezing. But, how embarrassing. My face turned red. Feeling it get hot I grew angry at the shame presenting itself on my face. “What the hell is going on here? ” I spat at this girl. She smiled and uncrossed her arms, her hair whipping crazily around her face making her look insane, even though, this entire situation is insane in itself. She didn’t answer but continued to eye me up and down while beginning to walk around me in a circle slowly, a vulture preparing to swoop down onto it’s prey. She finally leaned a bit closer to me and the winds suddenly stopped allowing her to whisper in my ear, “I think I’ll let you guess some more, Sweetheart. You’ll get it sooner or later.” She giggled and stood up straight once again playing with her collar, “It is quite amusing to watch you try and figure this out.” My fists clenched. “How dare you attempt to make me look foolish ” I shouted reaching out to grab her and wipe that stupid smirk off her face. Grasping my finger around her throat, she was suddenly gone. Spinning around frantically I found nothing. Alone again. I felt my forehead which broke out into a sweat. “I think I’m losing it out here...” “No, you are indeed sane, M’Dear.” My twin began to fade back right in front of me. I just gawked at the absurdity of all this. What exactly am I to say? I’m standing in the middle of... Antarctica; God knows where, half naked, and completely lost, talking with my amazing twin I have never known about who can magically materialize out of the air. Oh Dr. Phil? A little help please? Demanding through bared teeth I tried to regain my composure, “Who the hell are you?” I had meant for my voice to sound strong and commanding, but came out not as I had hoped. “Well, I suppose I can be, who ever you want me to be. In all honesty, Love... It really doesn’t matter at this point.” She twisted her neck quickly cracking it several disgusting and very audible times. “Just realize that you’re not in Kansas anymore...”

Fumbling with his jingling key chain, Vincent found the renegade house key. It’s kinda funny how such a small piece of metal if lost, how it can ruin his day. How such a tiny scrap allows him entry to begin and end his days smoothly. And sighs. One key. One key is so much more important than the rest. Stands out. Is most worthy of all keys. “And how one woman.. Just one person out of all the world means the entire world to me.” Without her, nothing has meaning. No matter how busy and lively everything around him is, the Earth seems grey and dead he sighed miserably stepping inside the dark entry. Pausing for only a moment he held his breath, listening very closely for any sound made by her... it was stupid. She wasn’t here. Letting the air escape him in a loud sigh Vincent limply flung his keys onto the floor at his feet, kicked off his shoes and turned a light on. He was greeted by only smiling pictures of memories that seemed so far away, they may have never even happened. He picked up a silver frame; a bit tarnished and dusty. Blowing onto the glass in attempts to clean it off, grey particles of lint and dirt found their way into his face and with a violent sneeze Vincent dropped the picture which shattered upon impact with the hardwood floor. “Oh damn it.” He said emotionlessly, hunched over and swept up the pieces with his hand. The picture had fallen out of it’s place and was turned over face down. His eyes met small words scribbled in the top corner. ‘Soph and Vinny. I love you more than anything 1990'. Dropping the shards of glass back onto the floor Vincent sat down and examined the writing more closely. How long it has been since she had called him Vinny, that loving little nickname that always made him smile and feel those small love butterflies flutter in his gut. Flipping the picture over, it looked plain enough. Both of them just sitting side by side; he had a goofy smile on his face just staring at her, and he had good reason. Sophia looked absolutely breath taking in a fiery red cocktail dress, hair pulled tightly back with a huge laughing smile back at the younger Vincent, outlined with bright red lipstick. But, he remembered that night. New years and they had been dating only a few months. He began speaking to himself quietly staring off into the picture, as if it was a small square movie playing for him, “I remember... when we were so in love. When we were inseparable.” That night was one of the best of his life. When he picked her up to go to Charlie’s party his mouth just dropped and gaped at her walking down her stoop all the way until she sat in the passenger seat. Sophia turned and laughed at him. Then closed his lips with a giggling kiss. The entire night was splendid with dancing, champagne, and lots of kissing. “But not just any that I had ever experienced before. When her red lips touched mine I felt fire. I felt sparks. I actually am not sure what I felt to be honest. I felt... her power. And it was addicting. I believe that’s what made me fall for her in the first place... The way her confidence made such a presence in a room. The way she would stand so proudly and speak so surely. I have always loved that about her. And the fact that she has the face of an angel and a close to perfect 34 26 36 body didn’t hurt much either. All my buddies envied me...” Vincent paused for a moment. “But, I have never thought to wonder... Why exactly did she love me back?” The lines in his face seemed to suddenly become a bit more refined making him look older, and so much more tired. As he abandoned the picture in the middle of the room along with the brief memory, walked into the lonely depths of his home.

The Arctic winds had stopped when this strange woman appeared, but now the sound of my own blood became the steady distraction in my ear, pumping vigorously, running on the fury which fueled the fire inside me. I almost laughed but the rage that burned inside my chest held it in, “Not in Kansas anymore? This isn’t funny, bitch. Where the hell am I and who the fuck are you?” The mysterious woman looked down for a moment digging into her pockets searching for something. Revealing a pack of cigarettes and a small lighter, brought a stick to her lips and lit up. The smoke curled up around her face and she sighed with a puff of hazy grey cloud. “My goodness... doesn’t someone have a few rage issues. Ever thought about anger management, Sweetie?” I said nothing and didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t breath. “Well, you may call me Sophia.” She finally answered. When the words fell onto my ears I could feel my head beginning to pound. “Twisted bitch. Is this some foul excuse for a joke?” Approaching her again I was but two feet from ‘Sophia’, I could smell the thick smoke of her cigarette and see the gleam of her glasses and the dullness in her eyes. She raised a hand in front of me and spoke with a dangerous tone I hadn’t yet heard, “Now, I wouldn’t suggest getting on my bad side, Dear.” “Your bad side?” I smiled and pulled my fist back ready to smash this lady’s front teeth in. “I’ll fucking kill you.” But the punch was thrown, and didn’t hit. All my weight being pushed behind my balled hand was suppose to aid me by adding force, but only ended up throwing me off balance as I plunged into the snow unable to regain my stance. I sat up and turned around wiping the hair and snow from my face to find her gone again. A strange echoing voice started to speak, the source was undoubtedly from this imposter though her whereabouts remained unseen. “Do you know how long I have been here waiting for you? Do you know how long?” A distant cackle from an obviously deprived and insane human. Does she really have nothing better to do than force me to be her play thing, to torment and shame me here? “Jesus Christ... help me get through this.” I whispered reaching for the gold cross hanging from my neck, but along with my normal clothes, that was gone too. Am I being punished for something?

Vincent lies uncomfortably in the center of his king sized bed with far too much empty space on each side making him feel so utterly alone. Solitary confinement. The silence of the house was wearing on his sanity. With eyes wide and fully awake he ran his hand through his shaggy brown hair in attempts to maybe pet himself to sleep. Not surprising his attempt went unsuccessfully. Every night for these past few months voices played over and over in his head. The same words. The same words... He rolled over lazily, opened the drawer on the night stand, and revealed a bottle of sleeping pills. Vincent was not one to take pills or medication because his closest friend had become dependant on prescriptions and overdosed. He thought twice about it and put them back. It didn’t look like he would be getting any sleep tonight so flipped the comforter off and swung his legs over the bed. Driving down that same isolated freeway but this time the streetlights turned on glaring coldly and lifelessly as he passed. “Why is it so hard for me to find any beauty in the world... Has it always been this unfriendly... Did love make me blind? Or maybe... I convinced myself I was in love blind to not only the ugly fact she didn’t love me back, but everything unpleasant seen by these eyes... or these are just excuses to make up for my mistakes.” It seemed he had only just started his engine when pulling into an empty parking space. This entire time has just been a whirlwind of hurt, confusion and just unpleasant feelings. As soon as one emotion touched his skin, it only just began to absorb when suddenly and violently ripped away and replaced with another. Entering the large glass doors that magically knew he had been coming, he approached the front desk where a woman in white sat typing. She saw him coming and smiled then looking at the clock. “Hmm. Three a.m. Another sleepless night, Vince?” She said reaching for a pass, but already knowing the answer to the question. “Yeah...” Placing his hands on the counter tiredly nodding and trying not to look at her face. He didn’t remember her name though should by now. Not only that, but he hated the look she gave him. One of pity. She cupped her slim, cold hand over his for a moment before it slipped away as he turned and walked down the tiled hall. The woman looked after him with her sympathetic eyes and shook her head. The hallways were dimly lit and so quiet, as if without realizing it he had been transported into space where there were no other life form except him. Just floating in nothingness. He felt numb as if in space, maybe it’s true... Vincent walked without thinking, he knew the building like the back of his hand and soon found his way to the Third floor room 217B. Turning the cold doorknob was difficult to do even though he had done it thousands of times... it never seemed to get any easier. Vincent closed the door quietly and crossed the black room; being in here so many times even in pitch dark he knew where everything was, and sat down in an uncomfortable hardwood chair on the opposite side. Slouching over with hands clasped together and putting his face down, he closed his eyes. There was so much to be said. But where to start?

The imposter spoke once again without the aid of her physical body, “Well, Darling... Why exactly are you so hell bent on leaving here?” I lifted myself from the snow bank with breath growing heavier. “What kind of question is that, dumbass? I want to go home Is that so hard to understand? I want to go home ” I could feel my frustration beginning to turn against me. Once a helpful emotion helped to keep me strong and fighting, I could feel eating away at my motivation. Why won’t she let me go? “Why do you deserve to go back.... when you never even contributed to your own or anyone else’s happiness?” The frigid nothingness answered back cooly. I stopped dead. What... what have I done? Why do I deserve to come back? I whispered, “Vinny...” She laughed quite loud and obnoxiously. “Are you sure? Because it doesn’t seem it to me...” When words struck me my initial reaction was to laugh at the thought of how silly her question was. But then I felt the horrible realization catch me off guard and sweep over me like a sudden ocean wave. “I do love him...” Recent memories flooded back and almost drowned me. I choked on them; How I take him for granted, how I no longer show him the affection he deserves, how I speak to him as if he were just a cockroach scurrying about in a kitchen. “I do love him ” I screamed But they kept coming. I fight with him over the silliest things. Just a week ago he bought a new shower curtain for the bathroom. I didn’t even have to ask him to... but he did it anyway. Like a good man would. And how did I thank him? I looked at the color he choose as if I saw him holding a piece of maggot infested meat out to me to approve. And then throwing it in the garbage telling him he is useless... I choked on the memories... And he does nothing but take all my bullshit. Oh how I take that poor man for granted I have never met any man who has treated a woman like he does me. I take advantage of him without even realizing, and he doesn’t complain. How all I do is boss him around and criticize him. My Vinny. I... I don’t mean to hurt you so badly. I love you so much. I want to leave here. Not because I am cold. Not because I alone, or lost... I want to leave here. So I can show you how sorry I am. I want to leave here so I can show you how much I truly love you... Opening my eyes to a blazing white light I squinted finding myself in a hospital bed. Wires were attached to my chest and an IV drip pierced my arm. What in the world is going on here... My head pounded fiercely further effecting my vision. Attempting to speak nothing came out except a quiet hoarse croak. I no longer felt numb... realizing it wasn’t the cold that made me feel that way in the first place... Had it not been real? Looking down and I was in that thin cotton Johnny with those cheesy little flowers swept across. But as my eyes adjusted the room became clearer a red ‘call’ button came into view on the wall behind me. I need answers. Now. Trying to sit up to press the button was quite an obstacle. My body felt so heavy and my muscles so sore and weak. Throwing my arm up to the square on the wall I heard it make a small beep as if congratulating me and a nurse hurried into the room with an astonished look on her face. The color had flushed out as if she had just seen a ghost.

Vincent waited with her in silence until dawn broke and signaled his cue to leave. While the light of the sun washed over him trying to comfort, he only felt numb with misery. “The one person... The one person I need is taken from me. Taken from me without reason. A car accident? Severe trauma to her brain I thought God made sure everything happens for a reason... What fucking reason is this? ” And as hopeful a person as he is, the doctors words would play... over and over and over in his head driving him mad. ‘Usually comas only last a couple weeks... sometimes there is progressive multiple organ failure... If the coma lasts more than one month they almost always enter a vegetative state or die...’ “ In other words... After a month, I would never get my Sophie back. It has been a little over three... I’m not sure how long it has been... But it doesn’t really matter anymore, now does it.” “Ha...” Vincent laughed bitterly. The staff at the hospital would see him so often they knew his name, and his story. They would talk about him behind his back thinking he could not hear. But he did. He heard how they pitied him. They would converse with him. They would act like they knew what he was feeling. They would think they knew what it was like to be him. And always giving him sympathy and advice... Ha. ‘Vince... many people feel torn between acceptance and denial of the condition of their loved one. It’s ok.... it is normal to struggle with a wide range of feelings including guilt, anger, isolation, abandonment, inadequacy and fear,’ The nurse would try to comfort. “They all think I need a shrink... A shrink. Just another person who thinks they know how life is. I hate them all. All of those insatiable know-it-alls.” He hit his hand against the car steering wheel, and began thrashing around violently in his parked car making it sway in all directions. He screamed insanely up at the sky, saliva escaping at the side of his mouth, “Am I being punished for something? ” When no answer was received the anger faded and loneliness sunk in once again. Vincent dropped his head onto his steering wheel and his entire body seemed to deflate and he sobbed alone in the hospital parking lot.

The nurse trotted over to me smiling as if relieved to see a complete stranger she never seen nor spoken to before mysteriously awaking in a hospital bed. “Where am I?” I blinked up at her. But before she answered I realized that was a stupid question. It was more of a reaction rather than anything I really needed to hear her say. I shook my head and replaced it quickly with, “What’s going on here?” “You were in a terrible car accident, Dear. When you got to the ER you were in critical condition with severe head trauma and shortly after slipped into a coma.” All of this hit me like a pile of bricks. So... Antarctica; that was all in my head? And that other woman... she truly wasn’t real? The nurse saw me drift off into thought and touched my hand gently to bring me back. “At this point... none of us really believed you would make such an impressive recovery. No one except for your husband,” she beamed. Hearing the words husband, I spun around to face her. “Is he here?” “No, he was around... three am and stayed for several hours. He came everyday just to wait here with you. And talk to you. Such a sweet man.” Not here. That’s all I needed to know. Standing up quickly I didn’t realize how long it has been since I’ve used my legs and they collapsed underneath me sending me onto the hard floor. The nurse bent down quickly and took my arm trying to help me back into bed. “Sweetheart, you need to stay in bed. You’ve been here for over three months. You won’t recover just like that.” Three months? I am not staying here... I have to get to Vincent. Now. The nurse asked me some more annoying questions to which I answered as quickly as possible. Finally leaving and promising to call Vin, I snuck out of the room and into the hallway when she was out of sight. My legs wobbled like a newborn calf just emerging from the womb. Clinging to the walls for support I made my way down the corridor with the IV drip dragging along behind me. The sting of the needle being yanked from behind me didn’t bother much, but the fact it was extra weight to pull, I ripped it out of my arm and continued on for the main entrance. It seemed like forever when one moves at a turtles pace, but I finally passed the sliding doors and began waving frantically for a taxi to take me home.

From the time Vincent stormed into the house and slammed the door with a tremendous sound of angry thunder, all hell broke loose as he created utter chaos in his own home. Flailing about smashing dishes, tearing up furniture, and destroying anything he could come into contact with was his only goal. For so long, for what seemed like forever, Vincent kept this hurt inside but now as he began to accept his wife’s fate, felt the urge to let everything around him feel the same pain. Breathing heavily he turned around and found himself looking at the large mirror off in the dining room. He almost didn’t recognize himself. Unshaven for weeks; what point was there to even glance at a mirror. Large purple bags hung thickly beneath his eyes, his hair had become wild; an untamed weed found somewhere in the dark and moist depths of the Amazon. The sunken look on his face made Vincent wonder for the first time in a long while, if he had even been eating anything through this whole ordeal. He walked past and into the bathroom to inspect himself closer but instead of the mirror, was drawn to the shower like a moth to the flame. “I have always hated those stupid Shower curtains she picks out...” his eye twitched. Everything is always her way. And that awful time when they had spent an entire bitching weekend painting the dinning room a horrid green; just to state one’s opinion is that deserving of a good fight? It was learned long ago to just keep one’s mouth shut and pretend to inherit your spouses particular tastes in everything. It was what Sophie wanted. Always always always what Sophie wanted. Did she even ask me what I thought? What I liked? Soph was the reason this house is tended and beautiful. Now that the reason is gone... what is the point of it all? Vincent had been torn in internal conflict... bickering and debating. Making excuses for one side, then the other. But now that this reality, this nightmare come true... His wife is dead to the world. There is no more reason to fight that dark and wicked side of the argument. What is the point of just prolonging this misery. When living this for three months is as indescribably unbearable as this... how could he be expected to live for ten... twenty, or more years? For a long time he had been telling himself, things had better improve soon or... he might not make it. While digging through his night stand drawer, Vincent was not sure whether he had gone deaf or maybe the world heard his thoughts and were now waiting quietly for the finale to come and the credits to roll. He had to fill this silence, and so turned the radio on. Ironically, the words that filled the room were just about the last ones anyone in his situation would ever need to hear. Knowing the song by heart he began to sing sadly along with the lyrics becoming softer to the point of only mouthing the words- “...I feel like I lost everything when you're gone... left remembering what it's like to have you here with me...” He found the newly opened pill bottle.

As the taxi pulled up I realized I had no money to pay the man with. But being so anxious to get home and see Vincent. To properly thank him for putting up with me for all these years, for loving me when I didn’t deserve as much, for taking advantage of his kindness and dominating him like the trainer of an loyal pup. Before the car even completely halted itself to a stop I ripped the door open and leaped onto the grass of my front lawn. Racing up to the walkway I called back to the shouting driver, “Be out in a minute ” I hadn’t even realize I had been smiling the whole car trip and the cramp in my cheeks had begun to take it’s toll on my comfort level. At a time like this, I don’t think a nuclear holocaust could keep me away. The door flew apart probably to the point of unhinging itself from the frame. All of the shades in the house seemed to be pulled down. But as my eyes adjusted to the dim parlor the smile faded. The entire room is in shambles. Sort of reminding me of pictures and video I once saw of a devastated city close to shore in the wake of a level 5 hurricane. “Vinny ” I called trotting across the hardwood floor and suddenly feeling a sharp pain shooting up my leg. After yelping I limped tenderly to the couch and found broken glass had become embedded in my foot. Were we robbed? “Oh my God- Vinny? Where are you?” Down the hallway there was a small lamp turned on in our bedroom and I could feel my heart rate increase as my eyes darted wildly around looking for any signs of Vince emerging to greet me and then laughing at my own paranoia. I lurched forward wincing at every step made on my right heal but leaned against the walls for strength that I could not muster alone right now. The room. Appearing empty. But no, it’s not. There are a pair of legs sprawled out from behind the hidden view of the bedside. As I felt myself drop to the floor and scramble to the motionless body I prayed with all my being... that I only imagined those pajamas to belong to sweet Vincent. I bit my lip and peered around the corner of the bed... “No.” I whispered. A lump of bile came up into my throat and stung the tender flesh. One sob escaped my mouth and I crawled to his side. The tears fell from my eyes, one after the other. I blinked them away and wiped my face as if I were only mistaken. This now blurry man lying on my floor is not Vincent. I had only thought it was. Looking again, I could not pretend he was not. A thief broke into my home and murdered my husband... I looked for flesh wounds or torn clothes or blood, but found none. He just looked so peaceful... But there was an unpleasant sour smell. I noticed my hand had found its way into something slimy and cold; there I found a large puddle of blood and vomit. And a bit farther from that, an emptied bottle of my sleeping pills discarded onto the floor. A grabbed onto his nightshirt and pressed my face onto his chest where I had once fell asleep listening to his strong heartbeat and now heard nothing. The agony I felt released itself from my mouth with a sorrowful cry sounding that of not a human but a wounded animal. The thought of him dying... no killing himself, alone and believing he was truly unloved hurt the most. I am too late. “I love you, Vincent... I came back here just to let you know that.” Leaning in and kissing him, I tasted a mixture of my tears, the bitter taste of vomit lingering on his lips, and the anguish I had caused him was difficult to swallow. Just then the man from the taxi stomped into view, but upon seeing the despair that hung heavily in this place of grief removed his ragged baseball cap. He walked back into the darkness form which he came with his eyes lowered in condolence leaving the couple to somehow maybe go back to the past and repair their broken and mangled lives.